Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Wonderful, Kinda Depressing Day

But, hey, it's okay, because after blogging, I'm gonna feel a whole lot better!

Isaac had an endocrinology appointment yesterday.  Somehow when I scheduled it, I thought it was going to be next week when Whitley was off of work.  Instead, I got the reminder call Tuesday for Wednesday's appointment (my hubba's first day back to work).  So I loaded up the kiddos yesterday and went to Lubbock.  

I'm not a mom who bribes her kids usually.  They don't get promised treats from the store if they're good, etc.  I believe that rewarding and bribing are two different things!  I just simply expect them to be good, or they are in trouble at home!  However, ...uh-hem... on occasions such as this- the rare doctor's appointment that I have to take them all to, I use any trick that comes to mind!!  HAHA!  Oh and I make sure I beg God in the morning for a good half hour or so... "PLEASE don't let me feel like a crazy lady!  PLEASE help us be a BLESSING to those we come in contact with!"  Just bein' honest!

My kids did awesome!  I was so proud of them!!!  I thought as we were sitting in the exam room waiting quietly for what seemed like forever, that they would certainly get that Sonic slushy-drink that I told them they could have if they were good.  They would get it just in time for me to buy them at "Happy Hour" price.  Bonus!  They were quiet, calm, obedient children.  Which was good, especially when I had to receive not-so-great-news about Isaac.  It's not awful news, but when your kid normally has a great A1C score, and gets a BAD one... it can make even a non-pregnant, non-hormonal woman cry.  To put it shortly, the A1C test measures blood sugars over a longer period of time to measure overall control.  He is always in the 7 range, and got a 9!  Other diabetic moms know how I feel.  If you have no clue... it's okay, let's just say that for my particular child, this is really not usual and it isn't very good!  

I had entered and had sat in the room feeling pretty good about life, but left feeling pretty deflated and frustrated at diabetes.  And then... I began checking out.  The kids weren't bad, but were pretty excited about getting stickers from the sticker basket.  It took forever to get checked out, but they all stayed together and didn't run all over the hallway, so I was pleased.  As I left, I was holding the door open for my children to exit, and I happened to look up as I saw the lady who had just checked me out make a suicidal gesture to her head.  She was laughing quietly with a friend and very obviously was laughing about me and my big brood.  All of a sudden my tears couldn't stop.  I mean, I was already feeling deflated, now I felt like a laughing stock... completely dejected.  And then there's those crazy pregnancy hormones!  Retarded!!  By the time we got to the Bradberry bus, the kids had picked up on my demeanor and one asked very nervously, "Mom?? Did we obey?  Can we have a treat?"  I thought to myself, "Shelly, straighten up.  Show them they did well and that you are proud of them even when the world is not.  You look like a sad, cowed-down puppy dog and your children don't even get why you are so pathetic.  Don't LET them pick up on any of it!!"

I should have a tougher skin.  I mean, I knew that those days when we'd turn heads and get smirks were coming.  The gal simply was making a statement that she, perhaps, could 'never do that.'  She'd rather die than be me.  Poor lady... Poor society that thinks children are more of a curse than a blessing... They don't know that our family has access to so many hugs and giggles per day, that we're bound to go to bed feeling loved... always.  To quote some anonymous person, because I know I'm not the first to say it:  "If you think my hands are full, then you should see my heart!!"  They don't think about the fact that if I had stopped having children when it seemed like the sensible, responsible thing to do I would have missed out on some of the amazing work the Creator wanted to do through me.  I'm only saying that because initially I wanted 2 or 4.  (I don't know why but I hated the idea of stopping with 3! Didn't want a "middle child". LOL)  I can only speak from my experience, just like anyone else.  What in the world would I do without Baby 5, whose name very fittingly means "Giver of Light!"  I don't know how many children I will have... I still find it humorous when people look at my 5 kids and my pregnant belly and ask the question, "So how many do you want to have?"  Maybe it's their "nice" way of wanting me to admit that surely I don't want more.  All I know, is that I've never wanted to "send back" a single one!!  

I wish that these words could have originated with me, but Nancy Campbell, I could not have said it better than you!  "I am not languishing.  I am not deceived.  How could my career be easy when I am influencing a nation for God, generations to come, and eternity?  How could it be easy when I am destroying the plans of the devil?  Such is the power of my God-mandated career, the highest calling ever given to women-- motherhood.  I have embraced my calling.  I am not intimidated by my antagonists.  I will not be moved.  My heart is fixed.  I may be hidden in my home, but look out world!  I am sharpening my arrows.  I am getting them ready to shoot forth and destroy the adversary.  In the power and anointing of God, I am advancing God's Kingdom."

"Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
Ps. 127:5

Love and Blessings from our family to you and yours,

Saturday, May 5, 2012

An Ode To Our Joy

Some things I have a hard time remembering. Things I probably shouldn't forget. I have a hard time remembering dates. I have a hard time remembering the names of people I just met. I have a hard time remembering which kid did what milestone at what month/year. I'm too busy loving on them to write those things down, ya know!  But then there are things... I will never forget. I won't forget the first time Whitley winked at me, with those long lashes he would some day bestow on all our babies.  I won't forget the day I knew I would marry him.  I won't forget the way he looked at me, all dressed up in my wedding dress.  I won't forget the beautiful prayer he said when we found out we were expecting our first baby.  I won't ever forget the unique stories of the births of our children, even if I can't remember what time each event happened.  And I will never, ever forget the sweet one who didn't get a birth-day.  I'm remembering "her" today.  We named her Joy.  She was due at Christmas time.  Since my mother was born on Christmas day and her middle name was Joy, that would have been her first name.  I am known to have visions in the middle of the night about significant things that are going to happen in the immediate future.  (Usually the next day).  If you don't believe me, ask me some time about all the crazy things God has revealed to me in the middle of the night.  I usually SEE these things happening in my room.  It FREAKS me out!!  I usually don't understand them fully at first, but then clarity comes as I see the Lord walk it out.  The evening I began miscarrying, we weren't quite sure if that was going to be the end story.  Whitley was working nights and I was alone.  I finally crawled into bed late and had fallen asleep.  I woke at 11:30 feeling a certain presence in the room.  I was scared.  I knew I needed to turn over and see whatever it was that I would see, but I was completely terrified.  As soon as I turned over, there was all this white, flowy material in my face.  I pushed "it" away, feeling strange because even though I saw it, I knew it wasn't really there.  Then I was able to focus on what it was... a baby's white dress.  And as soon as I fixed my eyes on it, it darted up quickly... straight upward to heaven.  I knew my baby was gone.  And somehow, it gave me peace knowing that the Lord was taking a daughter home.  I did not understand.  I shouted out-loud, "FINE!!! JUST BE THAT WAY!  Do what you want! She is YOURS anyway!  What do you want her NOW for?!"  I don't have that answer exactly, but it does help when I look at my son David.  He was conceived two months later.  I've said this often to myself, "The loss of my Joy... brought me David."  His life would not be possible without the loss of hers.  Strange comfort, but comfort nonetheless.  

My husband gave me a necklace the following week... on Mother's Day.  The charm is a heart with the December birthstone that has "Joy" engraved on it.  I wear it every May 5th and at least through Mother's Day and I wear it around the time she was due.

Four years ago today, we lost something precious. I will never forget her. I will never forget the pain. And I will never forget the Joy... of life moving on... of breathing and living and loving and giving life again.