Thursday, July 14, 2016

Victory Grace: A Name Blessing

Dearest Victory Grace,

          May your name be a testament of a wonderful man that you were named after, Victor Englert.  Your daddy and I chose to honor him by naming you after him and hope this blesses you as you grow to understand its significance.  He was precious to your daddy and I as well as your whole family.  Victor was your mommy's paternal grandfather.  He flew 30 missions as a waist gunner in a B-24 Liberator in World War II, and lived to tell the story.

He was a craftsman who worked diligently with his hands his whole life.  He was a jeweler for a while, built many houses, and muzzle-loading rifles to name just a few things.  He was a very special man in our family!  One day as he was knowingly nearing his death, your family went to visit him.  There was a moment he spent just with me and he told me some of his wishes for us and our family.  I was pregnant with your brother, David, and knew that we were having a boy.  I told him though that if we ever had another baby girl that we were going to name her after him.  He gave me a questioning look and then asked, "Victoria?"  I said, "Well, not exactly, but close!  We will name her Victory!"  He smiled a very proud, satisfied grin, much like the one in this picture and then he repeated your name.

That conversation was about seven years ago and you are our seventh baby!  Your siblings found out that you were a girl on the 7th anniversary day of your great grandfather Victor's passing.

January 14th, 2016
Your siblings opened a box that told them that you are a girl.
They were so very excited to have a new sister!

I called your great grandmother, Dorothy, that day to talk to her about missing your great grandfather and also to tell her that we found out we are expecting a girl and that made her so happy!  She had guessed that you were a girl, by the way!  I also called her immediately after you were born to tell her your name and she was so proud!  You can't see yourself really in this VIDEO that your sweet daddy took because the doctor and nurses had just placed you under my shirt to keep you warm and cozy while I talked about you.

          Victory Grace, we pray that your name would be a testimony that will help us all remember that you are the baby girl who helped turn our tears of sorrow into the tears of victory that tell the story of His grace and faithfulness to us.  Not everyone is able to have a healthy pregnancy and baby born after miscarriage or still birth loss.  Your daddy and I are painfully aware of that fact.  There is one thing we know for sure though.  God always fulfills His promises and gives a glimpse of the beauty of His hope for us.  One way I know this is because I know that rainbows exist.  They come after the storms in nature and after the storms of this life.  Sometimes they are very hard to spot right away and then once you see them you can't take your eyes off of their beauty.  Other times they are very obvious.  You are an obvious rainbow for us, sweet Victory.  God gave us the grace to hold you in our arms for as long as He will allow.  We are so undeserving but so very thankful.

Thank you to your sweet Auntie Amber and Uncle Justin for the very meaningful outfit!

          Victory, may your life also be a testimony of the grace that He gave us on the cross and the victory He gave us through His resurrection.  This is what matters most.  Your parents can't explain with all the words in the world how significant and important Jesus is, but HE is the Word and He offers the grace we hope you will call on and claim as your very own.  HIS victory is YOUR victory too!!

With much love from your daddy and your mommy, 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

A Pearl of Remembrance

Dear Pearl,     

          I've thought many times about writing a blog, or a thought or a letter to you over the last month.  I guess in effort to say the most beautiful, eloquent words...  None have come.  I would be remiss to continue to say nothing though, on this day that I'm thinking of you so much.  Your due date was a year ago today.  A year ago I was in a much different place than I am today because when your due date was nearing I missed you so much more than I did when you left us initially.  So over the last month Facebook has reminded me of blog posts I made about you and because of you a year ago.  I've re-read the grief, the hopes, re-felt the turmoil, and even rolled my eyes at myself for my whining a time or two.  Reading those things through the lenses of healing and peace brings new and strange emotions.  
          Over the last 10-11 months in particular, I've found myself accepting God's grace and healing emotionally and physically.  I've received words that most mothers who miscarry don't ever receive.  I am thankful that words of openness and vulnerability led to close friendships and understanding for other women.  Then there was the conversation I had with a specialist about ectopic pregnancy.  I'm not completely sure why feeling like I know what happened when I lost you helped so much with closure, but it did.  I guess it's because I'm aware from other miscarriages I and others have experienced that the "why" is usually not able to be determined... so having a "why" answered and realizing how much more difficult it could have been makes me very thankful.  Because of sweet you, I also know about a special prenatal vitamin my particular body needs that I didn't know I needed to be taking.  I thank you and the Lord for the journey that led to helping your little sister out like that!  
          We are so very happy to be waiting for your little sister a year after we should have been waiting for little you.  It's bitter-sweet... but mostly sweet.  I still miss you though.  Maybe that's really all I wanted to say.  You were very wanted and very special...  

I miss you and love you,

Your Mama