Isaac, the week he had his onset of Diabetes, but we didn't know it yet. He looked much more frail and skinny (it got MUCH worse) than he does in this picture below, taken only 3 months after his hospitalization!
With a jog down memory lane, I thought I'd share something I wrote two months after he got diagnosed. A few folks have read it, but only way back then! I had titled it what I titled this blog post. Just keep in mind as you are reading, that this was an email I wrote to friends and family almost 7 years ago!
It's morning: Isaac says with a quivering voice, "...I'm moving, Mommy..."
"Isaac, after it's over, you can cry, but please don't move! Let's be brave!" My unskilled hands tremble as I try hard not to think about how scary I think needles are in the first place. Meanwhile, no one is here to hold Isaac down, so I'm straddling him. One leg under him; one on top. -His bare, skinny bottom exposed. I think to myself, "Come on Shelly, just one quick stick... don't put it in so slow this time!...Okay...stick is in... good!"
All of a sudden, Isaac tenses up and kicks out his legs, followed by a big scream from him and frustration from me. Because, of course, the needle fumbles out of his little bottom, and I didn't even get the insulin in! Nervously, yet excitedly, Isaac says, "I'm brave, Mommy!!"
"Yes, Isaac, you are so brave, but honey, I didn't get the insulin in, so I have to do it again." Screams of disbelief follow! I hear screams from the other room too, and realize that Abigail must have run out of Cheerios!
"I'm terrible at this!" I think to myself. "If I had wanted to be a nurse, I would be one!" This time I take one more "stab" at it while quivering with my own voice, "Please don't move!" In goes the medicine this time, praise the Lord!
"YAY! Now we can eat, Isaac!"
"Uh-huh! Now we can EAT!!"
Though I just gave an example of how it really goes these days it hasn't always been that way. Isaac is tensing up about the shots a lot now. He dreads them and it seems there is just this overwhelming frustration about having to do it every day. I think the permanency of these daily routines is sinking in with him, and that might just be why he gets so frustrated. I, however, get lost in diabetes these days. Endless test strips and syringes, carb-counting and battles of all kinds. Just the now normal hustle and bustle of the day! I don't know that I have ever wrapped my brain around Isaac having to deal with this for the rest of his life. Even though I must know it somewhere in my brain, I don't think it has sunk in completely.
Most of the time, I think we all handle this really well. I think it is a blessing that we get reminders from God quite frequently. Otherwise, we might loose ourselves in this disease, and never find our way out of the struggles!
Last night, Abigail woke up at midnight, and I really don't know why. She has been sleeping 10-12 hours every night for the last 2 weeks. But once I got up with her I couldn't go to sleep. We don't check Isaac's glucose levels every night anymore, but many times I just wake up automatically. I lunge out of bed with my heart racing and the worry of "What if it's too low?!" (Which is the problem we are having, not sugars that are too high.) Sometimes I go in there and it's just right. Other times, I had very valid reasons to be up and checking, and think to myself, "I really should do this every night!!" Ever since he started treatment, he sleeps SOOOO hard, when before he was very easy to disturb or wake up. It is very hard to wake him up now and get him to drink anything, much less eat! But many times I have to do just that! It is SO cute though, when I sit him up in bed, and he slumps over, fast asleep!
After I put Abigail back in her bed last night, I went in to check on Isaac. As I was getting the lancet all ready and the sounds of the very familiar clicking and beeping were echoing in the room, Isaac lifted his arm and pointed his sweet, little finger at me. Bless his precious heart! -Completely asleep, deep breathing included, but he had that finger ready! For some reason, permanency started to hit me because of what he did. Though as I am typing this, I am hysterically laughing at how cute he was, only hours ago I was weeping. I'm so glad we have Isaac. I'm so glad that there are wonderful means in this world to give him the blessing of life itself and the quality of life that we want him to have. Isaac is going to be fine... I had an "awakening" last night...
--And I guess that's okay...