Wednesday, July 6, 2016

A Pearl of Remembrance

Dear Pearl,     

          I've thought many times about writing a blog, or a thought or a letter to you over the last month.  I guess in effort to say the most beautiful, eloquent words...  None have come.  I would be remiss to continue to say nothing though, on this day that I'm thinking of you so much.  Your due date was a year ago today.  A year ago I was in a much different place than I am today because when your due date was nearing I missed you so much more than I did when you left us initially.  So over the last month Facebook has reminded me of blog posts I made about you and because of you a year ago.  I've re-read the grief, the hopes, re-felt the turmoil, and even rolled my eyes at myself for my whining a time or two.  Reading those things through the lenses of healing and peace brings new and strange emotions.  
          Over the last 10-11 months in particular, I've found myself accepting God's grace and healing emotionally and physically.  I've received words that most mothers who miscarry don't ever receive.  I am thankful that words of openness and vulnerability led to close friendships and understanding for other women.  Then there was the conversation I had with a specialist about ectopic pregnancy.  I'm not completely sure why feeling like I know what happened when I lost you helped so much with closure, but it did.  I guess it's because I'm aware from other miscarriages I and others have experienced that the "why" is usually not able to be determined... so having a "why" answered and realizing how much more difficult it could have been makes me very thankful.  Because of sweet you, I also know about a special prenatal vitamin my particular body needs that I didn't know I needed to be taking.  I thank you and the Lord for the journey that led to helping your little sister out like that!  
          We are so very happy to be waiting for your little sister a year after we should have been waiting for little you.  It's bitter-sweet... but mostly sweet.  I still miss you though.  Maybe that's really all I wanted to say.  You were very wanted and very special...  

I miss you and love you,

Your Mama

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