I've thought many times about writing a blog, or a thought or a letter to you over the last month. I guess in effort to say the most beautiful, eloquent words... None have come. I would be remiss to continue to say nothing though, on this day that I'm thinking of you so much. Your due date was a year ago today. A year ago I was in a much different place than I am today because when your due date was nearing I missed you so much more than I did when you left us initially. So over the last month Facebook has reminded me of blog posts I made about you and because of you a year ago. I've re-read the grief, the hopes, re-felt the turmoil, and even rolled my eyes at myself for my whining a time or two. Reading those things through the lenses of healing and peace brings new and strange emotions.
Over the last 10-11 months in particular, I've found myself accepting God's grace and healing emotionally and physically. I've received words that most mothers who miscarry don't ever receive. I am thankful that words of openness and vulnerability led to close friendships and understanding for other women. Then there was the conversation I had with a specialist about ectopic pregnancy. I'm not completely sure why feeling like I know what happened when I lost you helped so much with closure, but it did. I guess it's because I'm aware from other miscarriages I and others have experienced that the "why" is usually not able to be determined... so having a "why" answered and realizing how much more difficult it could have been makes me very thankful. Because of sweet you, I also know about a special prenatal vitamin my particular body needs that I didn't know I needed to be taking. I thank you and the Lord for the journey that led to helping your little sister out like that!
We are so very happy to be waiting for your little sister a year after we should have been waiting for little you. It's bitter-sweet... but mostly sweet. I still miss you though. Maybe that's really all I wanted to say. You were very wanted and very special...
I miss you and love you,