Coping & Healing After Miscarriage: Grasping the Intangible

I think that today I am writing on one of the most challenging aspects of miscarriage.  We want to see, to touch, to hold, to smell, to kiss.  Loosing a baby in the toilet allows for none of that, really.  Sorry for the blunt wording.  It is very, very hard to find closure of any kind.  There is very seldom a visual memory, and certainly not a tangible, touchable baby-memory, at least in early miscarriage.  And then, there is no funeral.  There is no gathering of friends.  There is no grave to visit.  All of these things I mentioned probably don't offer closure to the mothers of late miscarriage/ stillborn infants either, but some of us still wish we had them anyway.  Sometimes imagining an "angel baby" can bring comfort, but there are also times when this isn't comforting at all.

We want the tangible.  This word came to me one day when I was at my medical clinic.  I wasn't visiting Dr. Rakov, who cares for me during pregnancy, but was visiting my osteopathic physician.  However, before that doctor came in for the appointment, Dr. Rakov stepped into the exam room to visit with me just a bit and to give me my pathology report from my D&C.  Before he left I said, "Thank you for the paper.  Really, I love all things tangible."  It.  was.... paper.  That's it!  It said a few things that confirmed that I was pregnant and that we had no idea why this happened in a very basic, non-emotional format.  But to me, it didn't even really matter what it said.  It was a sheet of paper that had something to do with my pregnancy...  with my baby.  For some (most?), this sheet of paper might seem too harsh to bring any source of comfort at all.  But for me, it equaled something I could touch and it was placed in a memory box that I have for the baby.

With all of that said, I'm just going to list a few things that can help the intangible meet the tangible when you are going through the miscarriage faith-challenge.  Faith.  That thing that is the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1)  Just thought I'd throw that parallel in here!

1)  Give the baby a name.  At the very end of this post is a link to an article that outlines the pros and cons of doing this, but yes, I did name two of mine.

2)  Add your angel-baby to "A Place for Our Angels"  http://pregnancyloss.info/angels/

3)  Make a memory box.  I'm not a very crafty person, but some of you could get really creative about this one!  Here are some things that I put inside of mine:
A sonogram picture; a few cards received; I printed some happy text message conversations about the baby; a positive pregnancy test; my pathology report; a photo of the bouquet that my husband gave me when I was recovering physically;  when I'm not wearing it, I keep some jewelry in there that my husband and a couple of precious friends gave me to help remember the baby.

4)  Jewelry.  Make or buy a little something with either the baby's due date birthstone, or something else you would like to wear as a memorial.  I have enjoyed wearing special jewelry on dates that are important to me.  No one else has to know what the jewelry represents unless I want them to and I have found it to be something that makes me feel connected to someone that I was never able to hold.  On days that I'm overwhelmed with memories of a pregnancy gone-to-soon, Mother's Day, due dates, or the day I miscarried are examples of dates that I wear the jewelry.

5)  Plant a tree or flowers in memory.

6)  Write a letter to your unborn or a letter to God about your angel baby.

7)  Keep a journal as you go through the process of grief and healing.

8)  Write blog-posts outlining every detail of how you feel and everything that everyone else who has miscarried might want to say but wouldn't dare!  (yes... I'm poking fun at myself)

There are no rules here.  If none of these thoughts interest you, it is ok.  -And certainly don't feel guilty if you did nothing like any of this to memorialize your baby.  This post is almost just an idea starter, really!  What are some ideas that you have for grasping the intangible?  As I mentioned, this is a challenging aspect of miscarriage.  And yet, this post feels very incomplete!  I welcome comments and suggestions that you may have.  Here is one great post about honoring your baby if you would like to read more on this topic.  http://www.pregnancyloss.info/honoring_your_baby.htm#memorial

Coping & Healing After Miscarriage: The Power of Words

Choosing to surround yourself with words that speak healing to your body and soul is not actually an easy choice.  It is my feeling that loosing a pregnancy is one of the most spiritually defeating things a woman can go through, and yet it is one time in life where isolation and loneliness feels like the rule instead of an exception.  Others expect you to get over this rather quickly and either won't understand why you are having a hard time, OR they just don't even know you miscarried anyway.  -So, it's very lonely.  Most women are not as "open" about their loss as I have been, but that does not AT ALL mean that more private miscarrying mothers are not grieving just as deeply.  Loneliness means that you have to choose the right words to hear, through venues that speak LIFE to you, regardless of the obvious death that you are mourning.  

Songs
Scripture

Friends

Forums

Songs:  Choose ones that have scripture within them.  Choose ones that are repetitive.  Right now I'm thinking of the example of the song, "Here's My Heart Lord."  It says over and over the title words and also the words, "speak what is true."  

I am found, I am Yours

I am loved, I'm made pure

I have life, I can breathe

I am healed, I am free

Anyway, let Him remind you who you are through song.  This is very important during the initial days/weeks after a miscarriage.  It is really, really hard to pick up your Bible.  Even if that is already habit for you, it is too hard.  So listen instead to music and possibly recorded scripture until you can physically do the other.

Scriptures: Hopefully you already have an arsenal of them ready that you can keep at the forefront of your mind and heart, but preferably also in written form in front of your face!  Sticky notes, dry-erase marker notes on your mirror, etc.  Satan likes to absolutely pummel the miscarrying mother with awful thoughts and words.  No matter what comforting words our healthcare professionals and friends and family say to the contrary... we default to thinking that we did something wrong.  WE are mothers.  WE are the "responsible" ones for carrying for the life within.  It is so hard to feel like we "failed."  I really do have a strong faith in the Lord, but even my faith could not stop me from thinking that God didn't care enough about me to let me hold my baby.  There will be a reminder of something you did wrong recently (related OR unrelated to pregnancy) or a more deeply-in-the-past sin reminder.  Satan will assure you that if you were just a better person, you'd still be pregnant.  The empty womb can very quickly lead to spiritual emptiness if you do not combat these thoughts with righteous ones.  Scripture, scripture, and more scripture.  

Friends:  Surround yourself with friends who have been exactly where you are.  They will be some of the only friends that you can truly receive comfort from because they will have an identification with you that others won't.  It might not be your best friend that you receive comfort from at this time.  Don't feel bad about that!  It's just the way that it is.  One thing I have appreciated and received from going through miscarriage is the unique bonds that are created with other women that wouldn't have been there otherwise.  

Forums:  I already touched on this in my last post, but here is another place to receive comfort and to just be able to talk about how you really feel with others.  You might be a very private person with others in close proximity to you about your miscarriage.  It's perfectly okay to feel this way!  Forums are a way to feel connected with others without people knowing you in a personal way.  It will also allow you to help another grieving mom when you are feeling strong.  Helping someone else is a powerfully healing experience as well.

The right words aren't exactly hard to find.  It is harder, rather, to choose them over the ones of defeat that we more readily hear.  Don't be afraid to reach out to others in some way.  Statistically you are never too far away from a mother who has suffered the same loss as you.  Society is "dumb" for making us feel like we aren't allowed to talk about it.  Not actually wanting to talk about it is one thing that is totally fine, but it's never fine to feel like there is nothing and no one available for comfort when you need it.  I'm very thankful for those who gave life-giving words and healing ideas to me especially during my first miscarriage when I was very ill-prepared.  Those thoughts still carry me through!

Coping & Healing: Miscarriage and the Social Media Whirlwind

I have not been quite sure how to present the conglomeration of thoughts, both my own and those that others have shared with me, on coping and healing after miscarriage.  So, I guess I will just keep doing what I've been doing!  -Presenting thoughts through posts in no particular order of importance.  For a while I will just be posting about coping and healing from miscarriage.  I really thought that I would do a "list form"on this issue, but there are some topics that need more than a line on a list.  One of those is social media.

It really helps to not spend much time on social media for a while.  How long, I'm not sure, since I certainly blundered on this one!  But really, friend, it's not safe there at first.  Do not pull up Facebook while you are upset.  Do not pull up Facebook because you feel a bit better emotionally today.  Don't pull it up because you are crampy and lounging around and need to do something.  ....It's no one's fault.  Brand new pregnancy announcements, ultra sound pictures and big belly shots will just melt you in a puddle of hours-long tears anyway, that no one even intended you to have.  Of course you want to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, but the thing about scrolling through your newsfeed is that you will seldom be prepared for how some of the posts are going to affect you.  "Prepared" is the key word here.  It's different in real-life social situations.  When you step out the door, you know that you will see pregnant women and new babies at the grocery store.  You will most likely be prepared to see your pregnant friend(s) at church.  Scrolling through a newsfeed, however, can make your already vacillating emotions much worse.

My friend Megan and I recently discussed the difference between going through this sort of loss prior to social media, versus the emotional roller coaster I've been on as a result of the impact of social media.  She and I both went through miscarriages in 2008....  Pre-social media for both of us.  We were "talk on the phone every single day" kinds of friends.  I miscarried that year right at about the time she found out she was pregnant.  She dreaded telling me that she was pregnant, but she also knew that if I found out from someone else it would be very bad!  After a few days of stewing over it, she finally told me and of course I was very happy for her! Because we actually talked (no texting) on the phone every day she could tell when this wasn't the day to tell me about something related to her baby and pregnancy.  Even if she couldn't tell, she might ask first, "Are you ok to talk about this today?"  Just hearing that question was preparation in itself!  Sadly, Megan lost her baby days before I found out I was pregnant again.  So then I had to tell her I was pregnant again at the time she was going through a devastating loss.  What a PAIR we were!  Our phone conversations and the fact that we saw each other only at church allowed her to prepare herself emotionally before she saw my pregnant belly.  Do you get my point in all of this?  Facebook, Instagram, text-messaging, etc. does not allow for any preparation for you to see anything baby-news related.  It's just "bam" ....  in your face.  The "bam" is what makes it hard.

My intent is not to bash or keep people from posting their happy news.  I, too, have made plenty of excited, jumping-with-joy-for-a-baby Facebook posts!  However, I really didn't spend much time thinking about how I might be negatively impacting someone, even though I had miscarried before.  My experiences with social media during these months following my most recent miscarriage will significantly change what I choose to post and not post should I ever be blessed with pregnancy ever again.  But now I'm straying from my point... take it from me... a miscarrying mama is better off without Facebook for a while.  It's really frustrating, because this will make some of you further feel isolated, but it is best to choose other ways to feel connected, in my opinion.  Connect with other moms going through the same thing via online forums, etc.  There are lots of great ones out there! Connect with your pregnant friends in "real life" situations.  It'll be hard at first, but at least it will give her the opportunity to reach out to you and offer honest condolences.  Her Facebook post of her early pregnancy update or  her status complaining about morning sickness may have been painful for you.  But in real life, she probably really does want to reach out to you, give you a hug, and tell you that she is very sorry!  Have actual phone conversations with friends who have been where you are at.  One thing I did was just take the FB app off of my phone.  I set a bookmark for my own FB page on my computer so that when I needed to go to there it was just to see if someone had tried to contact me and not to go to my newsfeed.  Eventually I removed some of my pregnant friends from my newsfeed.  BUT!  Don't panic!!  This wasn't to ignore them or the fact that they were pregnant.  It was so that I could, with intention, go to their pages when I felt strong, settled and peaceful and "like" a few sonogram photos or updates.  Again... giving myself the chance to be "prepared" to see happy news.  -Giving myself the chance to actually enjoy the happy news!

So, these are a few social media thoughts.  Hopefully these were informative and helpful and didn't offend anyone.  Hopefully it is helpful for others who find themselves in a state of loss and need help knowing how to cope.  Stepping away from this form of connection with others is one way to give yourself time to heal.

Real & Raw: Day 12

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD?  Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

And my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.