I have not been quite sure how to present the conglomeration of thoughts, both my own and those that others have shared with me, on coping and healing after miscarriage. So, I guess I will just keep doing what I've been doing! -Presenting thoughts through posts in no particular order of importance. For a while I will just be posting about coping and healing from miscarriage. I really thought that I would do a "list form"on this issue, but there are some topics that need more than a line on a list. One of those is social media.
It really helps to not spend much time on social media for a while. How long, I'm not sure, since I certainly blundered on this one! But really, friend, it's not safe there at first. Do not pull up Facebook while you are upset. Do not pull up Facebook because you feel a bit better emotionally today. Don't pull it up because you are crampy and lounging around and need to do something. ....It's no one's fault. Brand new pregnancy announcements, ultra sound pictures and big belly shots will just melt you in a puddle of hours-long tears anyway, that no one even intended you to have. Of course you want to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, but the thing about scrolling through your newsfeed is that you will seldom be prepared for how some of the posts are going to affect you. "Prepared" is the key word here. It's different in real-life social situations. When you step out the door, you know that you will see pregnant women and new babies at the grocery store. You will most likely be prepared to see your pregnant friend(s) at church. Scrolling through a newsfeed, however, can make your already vacillating emotions much worse.
My friend Megan and I recently discussed the difference between going through this sort of loss prior to social media, versus the emotional roller coaster I've been on as a result of the impact of social media. She and I both went through miscarriages in 2008.... Pre-social media for both of us. We were "talk on the phone every single day" kinds of friends. I miscarried that year right at about the time she found out she was pregnant. She dreaded telling me that she was pregnant, but she also knew that if I found out from someone else it would be very bad! After a few days of stewing over it, she finally told me and of course I was very happy for her! Because we actually talked (no texting) on the phone every day she could tell when this wasn't the day to tell me about something related to her baby and pregnancy. Even if she couldn't tell, she might ask first, "Are you ok to talk about this today?" Just hearing that question was preparation in itself! Sadly, Megan lost her baby days before I found out I was pregnant again. So then I had to tell her I was pregnant again at the time she was going through a devastating loss. What a PAIR we were! Our phone conversations and the fact that we saw each other only at church allowed her to prepare herself emotionally before she saw my pregnant belly. Do you get my point in all of this? Facebook, Instagram, text-messaging, etc. does not allow for any preparation for you to see anything baby-news related. It's just "bam" .... in your face. The "bam" is what makes it hard.
My intent is not to bash or keep people from posting their happy news. I, too, have made plenty of excited, jumping-with-joy-for-a-baby Facebook posts! However, I really didn't spend much time thinking about how I might be negatively impacting someone, even though I had miscarried before. My experiences with social media during these months following my most recent miscarriage will significantly change what I choose to post and not post should I ever be blessed with pregnancy ever again. But now I'm straying from my point... take it from me... a miscarrying mama is better off without Facebook for a while. It's really frustrating, because this will make some of you further feel isolated, but it is best to choose other ways to feel connected, in my opinion. Connect with other moms going through the same thing via online forums, etc. There are lots of great ones out there! Connect with your pregnant friends in "real life" situations. It'll be hard at first, but at least it will give her the opportunity to reach out to you and offer honest condolences. Her Facebook post of her early pregnancy update or her status complaining about morning sickness may have been painful for you. But in real life, she probably really does want to reach out to you, give you a hug, and tell you that she is very sorry! Have actual phone conversations with friends who have been where you are at. One thing I did was just take the FB app off of my phone. I set a bookmark for my own FB page on my computer so that when I needed to go to there it was just to see if someone had tried to contact me and not to go to my newsfeed. Eventually I removed some of my pregnant friends from my newsfeed. BUT! Don't panic!! This wasn't to ignore them or the fact that they were pregnant. It was so that I could, with intention, go to their pages when I felt strong, settled and peaceful and "like" a few sonogram photos or updates. Again... giving myself the chance to be "prepared" to see happy news. -Giving myself the chance to actually enjoy the happy news!
So, these are a few social media thoughts. Hopefully these were informative and helpful and didn't offend anyone. Hopefully it is helpful for others who find themselves in a state of loss and need help knowing how to cope. Stepping away from this form of connection with others is one way to give yourself time to heal.
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