I think that today I am writing on one of the most challenging aspects of miscarriage. We want to see, to touch, to hold, to smell, to kiss. Loosing a baby in the toilet allows for none of that, really. Sorry for the blunt wording. It is very, very hard to find closure of any kind. There is very seldom a visual memory, and certainly not a tangible, touchable baby-memory, at least in early miscarriage. And then, there is no funeral. There is no gathering of friends. There is no grave to visit. All of these things I mentioned probably don't offer closure to the mothers of late miscarriage/ stillborn infants either, but some of us still wish we had them anyway. Sometimes imagining an "angel baby" can bring comfort, but there are also times when this isn't comforting at all.
We want the tangible. This word came to me one day when I was at my medical clinic. I wasn't visiting Dr. Rakov, who cares for me during pregnancy, but was visiting my osteopathic physician. However, before that doctor came in for the appointment, Dr. Rakov stepped into the exam room to visit with me just a bit and to give me my pathology report from my D&C. Before he left I said, "Thank you for the paper. Really, I love all things tangible." It. was.... paper. That's it! It said a few things that confirmed that I was pregnant and that we had no idea why this happened in a very basic, non-emotional format. But to me, it didn't even really matter what it said. It was a sheet of paper that had something to do with my pregnancy... with my baby. For some (most?), this sheet of paper might seem too harsh to bring any source of comfort at all. But for me, it equaled something I could touch and it was placed in a memory box that I have for the baby.
With all of that said, I'm just going to list a few things that can help the intangible meet the tangible when you are going through the miscarriage faith-challenge. Faith. That thing that is the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1) Just thought I'd throw that parallel in here!
1) Give the baby a name. At the very end of this post is a link to an article that outlines the pros and cons of doing this, but yes, I did name two of mine.
2) Add your angel-baby to "A Place for Our Angels" http://pregnancyloss.info/angels/
3) Make a memory box. I'm not a very crafty person, but some of you could get really creative about this one! Here are some things that I put inside of mine:
A sonogram picture; a few cards received; I printed some happy text message conversations about the baby; a positive pregnancy test; my pathology report; a photo of the bouquet that my husband gave me when I was recovering physically; when I'm not wearing it, I keep some jewelry in there that my husband and a couple of precious friends gave me to help remember the baby.
4) Jewelry. Make or buy a little something with either the baby's due date birthstone, or something else you would like to wear as a memorial. I have enjoyed wearing special jewelry on dates that are important to me. No one else has to know what the jewelry represents unless I want them to and I have found it to be something that makes me feel connected to someone that I was never able to hold. On days that I'm overwhelmed with memories of a pregnancy gone-to-soon, Mother's Day, due dates, or the day I miscarried are examples of dates that I wear the jewelry.
5) Plant a tree or flowers in memory.
6) Write a letter to your unborn or a letter to God about your angel baby.
7) Keep a journal as you go through the process of grief and healing.
8) Write blog-posts outlining every detail of how you feel and everything that everyone else who has miscarried might want to say but wouldn't dare! (yes... I'm poking fun at myself)
There are no rules here. If none of these thoughts interest you, it is ok. -And certainly don't feel guilty if you did nothing like any of this to memorialize your baby. This post is almost just an idea starter, really! What are some ideas that you have for grasping the intangible? As I mentioned, this is a challenging aspect of miscarriage. And yet, this post feels very incomplete! I welcome comments and suggestions that you may have. Here is one great post about honoring your baby if you would like to read more on this topic. http://www.pregnancyloss.info/honoring_your_baby.htm#memorial
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