Day 9: A Hymn of Comfort

One of the favorite scriptures of the writer of the following poem was Lamentations 3:22-23.  I did not know this was the writer's favorite scripture until I decided to quote this old hymn in my blog today.  Particularly fitting since I also wrote that scripture out on Day 5.  

The part the hymn, "Great is Thy Faithfulness" that kept coming to my mind over the last several days was "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."  But when I picked up the hymn this morning to read all the words I had new eyes to see verse 2, in particular.  Seasons change.  Life changes.  His faithfulness is still great no matter how painful the season of life may be.  Remember the quote from my last post's song?  "You are stable through every change that this life can bring.  You remain the same."  There was a baby that was due in 9 days, but who's counting, right?!  Life changed and the season of joy and anticipation quickly changed to sorrow and despair.  So I cling to Him for strength today.  The bright hope for tomorrow is hard to have at times.  I really hoped to be pregnant again before my due date.  Thought it might soften the blow of that day's approaching.  His faithfulness is still great.  HIs mercies are still new every morning and so I pause to remind myself of this same scripture in Lamentations, "this I call to mind and therefore I have hope...."  bright hope for tomorrow.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Great is Thy faithfulness! 
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!



Clinging to His faithfulness and strength,

14 Years of Wonderful

Isaac

-A master builder with a mind for construction and design.  

-Loves, loves, LOVES Legos!

-Might not be the biggest guy on earth, but scarcely is there someone with a heart as big as his.

-Loves Tae Kwon Do and shows great power and determination in everything he does there!

-Tender and sweet with babies and toddlers.

-Enjoys a good laugh and his laughter is truly contagious! 

-While getting him to practice piano is a major project most of the time, it's really because he has such a good ear and very little patience for learning the nuts and bolts of a piece of music.  

But once he gets it?  It's memorized and perfectly artistic, of course!

While Isaac's life wasn't bestowed on him with a bucket-full of "easy," I've rarely seen him defeated.  Ambliopia and Strabismus of the eyes (4 surgeries!), growth hormone deficiency, and Type I Diabetes do not define this boy.  If some of us had to deal with only one of these things we might want to give up.  

But... Isaac... Is...

Brave,

Strong,

Powerful,

Brilliant,

Loving,

Funny,

Completely undefeated.

He is my hero!

Isaac, I love you so very much.  God has really big plans for you and I'm so excited to continue to watch them unfold right by your side.  You are quickly growing into a man!  You've got several great models to emulate in that department.  Life is not always easy, but God is a big, great, powerful God.  Cling to him always, dear son.  I'm so proud of you!

Love,

Your Mama

P.S.  THANK YOU for making me a mom!

A little pre-birthday party frozen yogurt

Whitley got to go with Isaac and be a sponsor for jr. high youth camp last week 

And now, for some flashbacks!

Isaac was born on June 22nd, 2001 at 10:39 p.m.

 3 weeks old

6 months

8 1/2 months

9 1/2 months

With your Daddy & Mama

Mama Lovin'

One Year Old!

So Funny in Washington!!

18 months

2 Years

Moved to Snyder!

Waiting for Sister

2003

2004

Our Family 2005

2005

In O'pa's Airplane!

Hammin' it up!

Cowboy Isaac

  

5 years 2006

Got his insulin pump in 2007

Fishing at Lake Amistad Lake

Fishing with Dad & Abigail

Getting ready for Uncle Justin & Auntie Amber's wedding

A big help with little David

Traveling with family to Montana

At the Diabetes walk in 2010

2011

Helping put together Mom's new stroller with his own leatherman.

Playing with Luke

Another lego design

4 years of piano

2012

2013 with baby brother, Timothy

2014 fishing trip

2014 trophy

So proud of this boy!

Day Eight: A Breakthrough Story

These blog posts I've written so far have initiated conversations with ladies who are going through an infertility journey, or friends who have walked that road before.  Many of us still feel the sting of miscarriage(s)  or stillbirth that happened recently or years ago.  Recognizing that all of our journies are different is a thought that many of my friends have shared and been able to identify with no matter what their own journey may look like.  I'm reminded of that quite often in even just this one facet of life and death that I have been writing about.  

A friend of mine shared the following story with me.  It really is a beautiful story.  I hope you will click on it and read it.  Then you can follow the link and listen to Amy's song.  It's not a sad song at all, but I boo-hoo every time.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the melody and words in my head, "You are stable through every change that this life can bring" since the first time I heard it.  It's so very true.  I still have so many ups and downs in this devastating loss, but God is the stable Rock.

Breakthrough In Infertility: Amy’s Story

Love and prayers of blessings on your own journey,

Day Seven: Forgotten? ...O, Hope In God

I used to not ever pass up a new mom without saying something.  I would never give annoying advice or pause to say those "dumb" things people can say.  I did usually say something like, "What a beautiful baby!"  Even if I didn't say it with my mouth, I certainly did with my eyes.

I can't tell you how many times I have shook my head at myself at one of these stranger-meetings and thought, "Woman when you are twice the age you are right now you are going to be one of THOSE older ladies."  The kind that can't keep her hands off of a stranger's baby in the store.  Mind you, for now I have never thought of myself as the annoying stranger in the grocery store.  I think my metamorphosis into that person will probably happen without me even noticing.  We shall see... Or younger ladies shall see...  Or... something!  

I'm wishing that lady I used to be would come back!  Just looking at any baby hurts, so I just don't.  Pregnant bellies seem to flood my eyeballs everywhere I go.  I don't really want to be this super-sensitive person about such things!

A long time ago a sweet friend of mine lost a baby when she was about 5 months pregnant.  My friend and I were due to have our first babies (sons) a few months apart.  We didn't live in the same town anymore, so when we saw each other for the first time after her loss and my gain of a first son I had many misconceptions of what she must be going through.  I won't go through all of those... except for one.  I thought that it would be so healing for her to hold my newborn.  When I asked, "Would you like to hold him?" in that very assuring, welcoming, "I certainly understand what you need" tone, she looked at me like she had been hit.  She very gently, but firmly said, "No."  

Oh, sister, I understand you 14 years later.  Maybe for some people going through such loss, holding a new baby would be healing.  But I think I know why it wasn't in this case now.  I, too, have now lost the opportunity to love and caress and nurse a baby when others close to me gained one.  I know now how that feels.  You didn't begrudge me my happiness, but the feeling of being "forgotten" when someone else felt blessed and "remembered" is brutal.  It's not something I want to feel right now any more than you did.  It feels petty.  It feels wrong and mean and desperate and lonely.  

These might even be the Enemy's most favorite feelings to bestow on someone who loves the Lord.  I hate him.  And I hate these feelings.  

I used to "lead others in a procession to the house of God," figuratively speaking.  Why has "God now forgotten me?  Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the Enemy?"  "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

Psalm 42

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When shall I come and appear before God?  My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, 'Where is your God?' These things I remember, as I pour out my soul:  how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.  My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.  Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.  By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.  I say to God, my rock: 'Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?' As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, 'Where is your God?'  Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

Day Six: Faith in His Tender Mercy; Grace for the Trial

1. All the way my Savior leads me,
   What have I to ask beside?
   Can I doubt His tender mercy,
   Who through life has been my Guide?
   Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
   Here by faith in Him to dwell!
   For I know, whate’er befall me,
   Jesus doeth all things well.
2. All the way my Savior leads me,
   Cheers each winding path I tread,
   Gives me grace for every trial,
   Feeds me with the living Bread.
   Though my weary steps may falter
   And my soul athirst may be,
   Gushing from the Rock before me,
   Lo! A spring of joy I see.
3. All the way my Savior leads me,
   Oh, the fullness of His love!
   Perfect rest to me is promised
   In my Father’s house above.
   When my spirit, clothed immortal,
   Wings its flight to realms of day
   This my song through endless ages:
   Jesus led me all the way.
   
   
   My weary steps have faltered plenty lately.  I would like to say that feeding on His Word was an automatic for me when I began going through the loss.  At first I was fine and resolved, but the weaker I got I felt that I no longer had the strength to pick it up.  I felt like God had been extremely unkind to me.  He had rejected me so how could I cling to Him?  A truthless thought, but a thought that still really hurts me often.  I needed to read and lean on His promises a lot, but I felt like such a big baby.  I needed spoonfed in my weakness, so there is one thing that I can do that has always been automatic... I had to keep feeding on His Word through song until I was also able to actually pick it up again..  Thankfully, I have a lot of good ones to recall with scripture running through them.  Some of the songs I actually hated for a while even though I made myself listen to them.  For instance, I made a playlist with songs that included the line "Death where is your sting?"  I wanted to yell plenty of times, "RIGHT HERE!  Right HERE is the sting!"  --Another truthless thought.  But one I admittedly had anyway.  I don't know anything else that can give me grace for these trials than feeding on His living Word.  I'm still bumbling and fumbling along and am thanful to those of you who either are patient enough to listen to me whine or able to identify with me enough that I don't feel crazy about my feelings concerning the loss.  I'm thankful to those of you who are reading and sharing in this with me and I'm thankful to those of you strong enough to remind me, "God's gotcha."  .....
   That just made me cry.  Thank you for saying that to me, David Speegle, my precious friend.  That conversation was very meaningful to me!
   
   
   I love the following setting of Frannie Crosby's hymn, so I'm sharing it.  ---And can I just say, I miss Rich Mullins!  He's was so right in what he spoke here in 1994 and he's still so right today.  What a heritage we have!
   
   
   
   
   Can I doubt His tender mercy, who through life has been my guide?
   [Insert the answer... NO],

Real & Raw Day 5: One Confession of What is Sweet and Tender to me

I love two year olds!  For as much as people snicker about "terrible twos," for me it is one of the most precious developmental ages.  They are learning so much and sometimes talking so much (this varies with my crew) at that time!  They are so sweet and cuddley too!  For me their discipline challenges are mostly black and white.  I guess I remember that one of our children at age two would really try and "fudge" a line and that drove me nuts.  But, hey, that kid is 8 years old now and he still does that so it's more his general nature than it being the fault of him being two years old back then.

One thing that HAS made having a two year old in the house quite a challenge is that when I have a two year old, I'm usually either big pregnant, or already nursing a baby.  It's not quite as fun to cuddle a little loving two year old when you have a big belly.  It's also rather hard to nip something in the bud (literally) when you are strapped to a chair trying to nurse a newborn!  The most definite challenge I had with this was when our son David was two.  He was one of our late walkers/talkers.  He started walking about a month before his new baby brother, Luke, was born.  I think that I am STILL working out discipline issues that should have been taken care of a long time ago.  His strong-willed, testy personality, coupled with me being unable to fully let my words have some "truth" to them while I was nursing Luke, was sometimes a mix that resembled oil and water, if you get my point.  I wouldn't have it any other way, but this was definitely a challenging time.

I would give almost anything, you understand, to have a big belly right now.  But all of this rambling actually has a point.  The fact that I get to wrap Timothy tightly around my waist and shoulders unabated instead of having to share with a huge belly or a little nursling is bitter in several ways.  But it is also the sweetest, most tender thing ever.  God created Timothy with a powerful need and love for hugs and kisses.  God gave me this boy at a time that I needed this as much as that sweet boy does.  There are many, many "volunteer" hugs and kisses.  Then I also bet that I hear at least 5 times randomly, throughout the day, "Mama, I NEED to hold you!"  It's almost as if his arms that are reaching up to mine are saying, "Hey, you need to take a little rest too."  Timothy is also one of our strongest-willed kids, but you wouldn't be able to notice it much anymore if you don't hang around here.  He has been able to see consistency in his mother more than any other kiddo, I think.  Now that he is 2 & 1/2 I can hold one finger up to remind him of something that he knows the exact meaning of:  "If I don't obey mom the first time, I'm going to be in trouble and I don't like it."  He will say with a big grin at my one finger, "first time."  .... And then melt my heart with obedience that is coupled with a hug.

Thank you God, for Timothy's nurturing spirit.  Thank you for the opporunity to really feel these sweet, tender hugs.  You know exactly what I need and exactly when I need it.  I may not understand why you would have me go through this valley, but thank you that you fill my heart with Your tender mercies and your steadfast love that is new every morning.

"Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, 

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,

'therefore I will hope in Him.'"

Lamentations 3:19-24