We did some shuffling in our family this last week. Literal shuffling. Whitley and I switched rooms with the four younger boys. It makes sense because the room we were in is pretty big and theirs wasn't. Those boys may be mostly little now, but... for some reason... they keep eating every day!! It's a swap I hadn't forseen until later, but the bathroom situation was driving me crazy. Ours that was situated within our room was always fairly decent, but theirs was always awful. I have two little boys who are almost completely potty trained (yes... at the same time... go figure). Those two boys can't be exactly like your "normal" toddler boys because they are growing up in a house of mostly big boys. Why would they want to use the little potty when everyone else in here uses that huge thing? --So they might know that they are supposed to lift the lid and stand on a stool and try to pee where they are supposed to... but... well, you get the picture. ---But in case you didn't!!! Mostly they forget to lift the lid a lot. It's not even just the little boys that do this, but that's another annoyance! I run a full operation here, but do I check on the cleanliness of the bathroom 500 times a day? Uh......... NO. -Aint nobody got time for that! Abigail has been sharing a bathroom with these boys because this bathroom is between her room and the other in a "Jack and Jill" fashion. She never.... EVER.... Complains. Sometimes I go in there and I think, "Why does she not complain?" "What does she do?" I never notice her insisting on using her parents' bathroom. So does she mop the lid with paper before she sits down? Or does she even notice until she sits down? Eeewwww. I mean, we HAD to SAVE her.... RIGHT? We did a ton of work. We chased dust bunnies and crayons and shoes, not-to-forget the furniture getting moved, and mostly figured out all of the "Where am I going to put this now?" questions. We are currently... sorta... mostly finished with the major moving part.
Two days prior to being in this mostly-finished state, I was working in our "new" bathroom which was nowhere near completely clean. I was just putting stuff on shelves and in cabinets. Hey, the cabinets were clean for the first time in years! I was feeling pretty good about myself! I worked for quite a while and then for no unforeseen reason... it hit me again. Why is there no baby in this house? We have had a baby in our family since June 22nd, 14 years ago. Where is the baby? WHY did we just move a rarely-used-anymore changing table from our old room to our new room? I can't believe that my sweet husband moved it without even questioning my sanity. Abigail always loves to have a baby in her room so we keep the little mini-crib in there. But... why is it still there when there is no little baby here anymore? My face hit the nasty floor before I could even think about what I was doing. -Putting my face on a yucky floor. I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I realized what the date was. June the 6th. My baby was due in exactly one month. But now there is no baby. -And there is nothing quite as empty as the womb after a miscarriage. It's still empty. It does not matter, in case you wondered, that the world thinks we have way too many kids already. My womb is empty!! DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!!! Empty. No life moving within it. I had a glimpse of hope and promise taken from me and it is no more understood by any of us today than it was six months ago. Why can't I move on? Why does my face plant itself on even the grossest of floors?
"Jesus, I need your mercy. Jesus, I need your mercy. Jesus, I need your mercy."
I cried it out over and over. ...I'm crying it again.
I know that I need His mercy more today than I have ever, ever realized I need it.
Praying for His mercy to fill my emptiness,
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